Man has colonized nature, or so he deludes himself into believing. In the short span of 200 years since the industrial revolution, his harvesting of nature has become more and more rapacious. He takes like there is no tomorrow. Not content with the domestic torture chambers he has created for animals, he wants to feast on wild animals as well. In the process, he opens a door for nature to strike back. In the form of zoonotic illnesses, animal diseases, to which he has no evolutionary defense. The wheel of Karma, although it spins slowly, does spin and come full circle every once in a while, when runaway arrogance has peaked.
Ramu was reflecting on the pandemic that had recently gripped Shivajinagar, and indeed the whole world, while their biology teacher, the lifeless Mr. Chanchal was droning on and on about corona and corolla and other Greek and Latin words for which Ramu had no utility. Chanchal was middle aged, balding and stocky, with a pencil thin mustache trimmed with laser precision to follow the contours of his upper lip. He cared as much about biology as the average politician about public welfare. His goal in life was to drain as much joy out of the subject as possible. His preferred pedagogic technique being the interminable sleep-inducing monologue, victims were convinced it was nothing more than a diabolical setup so that he could pounce on the first nodding head and rip it to shreds. Paradoxically, his hands, though small, contained mind-boggling striking power and speed. He was a rhino that could hunt like a cheetah.
Although Ramu was blessed with a philosophical bent of mind, it was always in service of a practical end, never idle academic hairsplitting. Somu, who sat right next to him on the back bench, essayed various roles as his best buddy, comrade, acolyte, henchman, candy snatcher, accomplice, business partner, implementer-in-chief of quixotic schemes, consoler-in-chief when schemes blew up in their faces, etc.
As the pandemic spread without restraint and no vaccine or cure was yet available, masks and social distancing became the new global norm. Science was clear and unambiguous on what worked. Washing hands, masks and social distancing, ventilation, avoiding crowded indoor places, had been proven to considerably restrict spread of the infection.
Yet there were some idiots, numbskulls and morons who refused to follow these elementary precautions. They wouldn’t tolerate their rights and freedoms being infringed, some said. Didn’t the dimwits realize that dead people had no rights and freedoms? Others said the pandemic was only as bad as the flu. It was all a political stunt to paint the ruling party in a bad light. Apparently, global affairs had reached such a state of boredom that all the nations of the world had agreed to collectively overreact to a disease no deadlier than the flu. If it were indeed a political stunt, then what a costly and spectacular exercise in coordination it was - to involve every national government in the world just to bring down a local government that was self-destructing anyway through its abysmal handling of the pandemic.
“Ramu, please stand up and explain what a peduncle is.” - a wholly unexpected googly thus lobbed by Chanchal landed Ramu’s way. Ramu completely misread it and was clean bowled. Something moved and a few nanoseconds later there was a crack of thunder. It seemed Ramu heard the sound much later. The shock waves reached his stunned brain first through the rattled nerves in his cheek. “Get out of the class!” “Sorry Sir”. “First you get out of the class!!!”
As Ramu was standing outside the class rubbing his left cheek now swollen like an overripe tomato, he was shortly joined by Somu with his own tomato. Somu despite his utmost heroic efforts, hadn’t been able to suppress a snigger at Ramu’s embarrassing predicament, and had consequently met with a fate that was a mirror image of Ramu’s. As it turned out, Chanchal’s right hand hadn’t stopped vibrating from the impact, so his left hand had taken over and implanted itself on Somu’s right cheek with almost identical force. The scoundrel was ambidextrous.
The saving grace was that both had been wearing masks as the school guidelines had stipulated. Thus, the rearrangement of their facial furniture was only a private indignity, as stunningly painful as it was. Chanchal, shockingly, had flagrantly flouted the safety guidelines by not wearing a mask himself. To compound the folly, he had also assaulted Ramu Somu from close quarters and had thereby violated social distancing guidelines.
If a teacher couldn’t follow public health guidelines, then how could an average illiterate Joe be expected to, Ramu fulminated? Why not report Chanchal to the principal, suggested Somu helpfully. Ramu snorted derisively - Number one, what would that achieve other than invoke Chanchal’s wrath? Number two, Chanchal was a member of the teacher’s union and had deep connections. The principal was powerless against the union and their political clout. VJHS being a state funded school, had to humor not one but two scoundrels - the union and the state. What could a poor principal do?
Especially a principal like SMS Namboodiripad. A puny wimp, so thin that he had once been mistaken for a clothes rack by his own wife, who had proceeded to hang half her laundry before she realized her error. In his defense, SMS had been absorbed in some deep thoughts. He had been racking his brains to try to get his staff to follow the health regulations. Having his school shut down due to an outbreak would be the worst nightmare for him and his reputation.
Ramu’s brain was already sprinting like Usain Bolt being chased by Shivajinagar stray dogs, which had become a growing menace of late, starting their yelping, howling and street fights right around bedtime. Somu had already been presciently dispatched on a reconnaissance mission earlier. The outlines of a plan hazily emerged. Typically, holes were poked into it by Ramu himself, like his hero Charles Darwin, who spent decades trying to rip his own theory of natural selection to shreds to convince himself of its validity.
The plan was tweaked and finalized upon Somu’s return. Somu was then briefed of the plan in excruciating detail. No questions nor suggestions were deemed necessary nor sought or offered as was typical. The modus operandi was too well established to tamper with. Somu’s sleuthing had revealed that Chanchal was in the habit of an evening drink with his buddy P.K.Dubey. Dubey had a son named Safal, a known duffer. His failure rate was increasing in arithmetic progression - failed once in class 1, twice in class 2, thrice in class 3 and so on. Dubey had tried every trick in the book to get Safal promoted, including extra tuition, getting Chanchal to put in a word and begging principal SMS Namboodiripad. All to no avail. Safal was a zero watt bulb and Namboodiripad was a stickler for academics.
Somu, the Mark Zuckerberg of Shivajinagar, already knew Safal through a friend in the colony - a hanger on named Jignesh. Jignesh was like a hyena who sometimes tagged along behind Ramu Somu when they were in the mood to pinch candies from younger and punier kids. They would let him grab a candy or two like lions letting a scavenger steal a bone or two from a kill.
Safal was lured by Jignesh to a meeting with Somu using the same bait. Once the dopamine hit of the eclairs kicked in, Somu offered a quid pro quo to Safal, while an emboldened Jignesh was busy bullying the soft victims. He would get help to progress to the next grade in return for getting his father, P.K.Dubey to inform his drinking buddy Chanchal that he was infected and going into quarantine and that Chanchal had better do the same if he didn’t want to fall sick. Thus, Chanchal would finally take the epidemic seriously and this would also serve as a slap in the face to other pandemic deniers.
Concurrently, Ramu took the blessings of principal SMS Namboodiripad for their plan. He also slyly put in a word about nudging Safal to the next grade as repayment for his help, assuring him that they would get the star student, Badri, to tutor Safal to meet the minimum standards for promotion. Badri, as brilliant as he was, let himself be shamelessly used time and again by Ramu Somu. He was a sucker for smooth talking and fresh samosas.
The next day, Ramu and Somu swaggered into school in high spirits. News had broken about Chanchal going into self-quarantine for two weeks and all students were getting their temperatures checked. Ramu Somu were eager to milk the situation to the hilt and trumpet their role in it. As they entered class, to their bewilderment, the substitute biology teacher was Namboodiripad himself. And written on the board was - “Biology Surprise Test”. Cold beads of sweat formed on their foreheads and they gulped nervously.